第 382 期·中文精讀

伯特·克萊舍:喜劇、飲酒、羅根、塞古拉、丘吉爾與金正恩

Bert Kreischer: Comedy, Drinking, Rogan, Segura, Churchill & Kim Jong Un

喜劇演員克萊舍聊脫口秀生涯、喝酒文化、同行之間的趣事,以及丘吉爾與金正恩等話題。

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中文精讀由 AI 基於原始訪談改寫,非官方翻譯,可能存在偏差或錯誤;表述以原音訊與官方文稿為準。說明

伯特·克萊舍(Bert Kreischer)講一個段子,第一次講的時候是完美的。之後每一次修改,都讓它更糟一點。

這和海明威的信條正好相反。海明威說,任何東西的第一稿都是垃圾。伯特聽到這句話直搖頭,對他來說,第一稿就是終點,後面全是往回找。

他花了十幾年才肯承認這件事。中間毀掉的段子,包括一個只講了兩句話就被路易·C·K(Louis CK)誇過的笑話。

醉著寫,清醒著改

訪談從海明威的一句名言開始:寫作沒什麼秘訣,你只要坐在打字機前流血。伯特說這話對,但只對寫日記有效。他寫不了段子,他寫不出一個完整的笑話,可是他坐下來隨手寫的時候,筆跑得比腦子快,兩者剛好同步。

他喜歡海明威的理由特別樸素,甚至有點丟人。他有點閱讀障礙,不是個好讀者,而海明威寫得簡單。

這個理由背後有個更長的故事。他在巴諾書店(Barnes and Noble)打工的時候,有個人問他:"你不喜歡他的書名嗎?"他說喜歡啊,《太陽照常升起》。對方說:"是那個太陽也升起。"他愣了幾秒才反應過來,定冠詞一放,整個句子就有了宿命感。他後來說,他總是最後一個明白過來的人。

那天晚上一幫人在嗑可卡因,凌晨五點爬上了格林威治村公寓的樓頂。他從小在佛羅里達長大,是個看日落的人,可紐約的日出是電光藍的,藍得刺眼。他就站在樓頂想:那個太陽也升起。

用幾個詞就把意思釘死,這是海明威的手藝。他的整個創作過程就是往下削,醉著寫,清醒著改。伯特說自己恰恰相反,他是往上堆。這個反差貫穿了他整個職業生涯。

第一次講就是最好的那次

海明威說第一稿永遠是垃圾,伯特說他的第一稿永遠是巔峰。

他有個段子,講他開車帶著女兒,路邊閃過一塊"聾童出沒"的交通標誌。他在臺上第一次講的時候,話就那麼出來了,現場效果好得離譜。路易·C·K 那天坐在觀眾席裡,散場後說喜歡這個笑話。

伯特當時的第一反應是:完了,這事定了。路易·C·K 說喜歡,這笑話就能進專場。

然後他開始改。

他給這個兩句話的笑話加了包裝,加了轉折,加了"razzle dazzle",最後硬生生撐成十五分鐘的段子。改到後來,他自己都講不動了。他去路易的播客上問:"你當時到底喜歡它哪一點?我現在完全講不出來了。"

就是簡單。你女兒不知道那些聾童是怎麼知道他們家住在哪的。(路易·C·K)

伯特愣住了:"就這個?沒有控槍那部分?"路易說:"啊?"

他這才意識到自己往一個乾淨的笑話裡塞了多少東西。後來他不得不回到最開始那個版本,從頭再來一遍。

他給這種現象起了個說法:第一次講,笑話是最純的,之後所有的修改都是在追趕第一次。

這條規律只適用於短段子。像"機器"(The Machine)那種長故事,像密室逃脫那一段,是需要一遍遍打磨的。短笑話靠的是當下的直覺,長故事靠的是結構,兩套邏輯。

一個沒人相信的瘋狂夜晚

"機器"這個故事,講的是他大學時代去俄羅斯旅行,被一群俄國黑幫灌醉、被迫參與搶劫、最後跟黑幫老大成了朋友。這個故事傳遍了全世界,Netflix 還把它拍成了電影。

伯特自己也說不清它為什麼能傳這麼遠。他說大概是因為每個人都經歷過那麼一個瘋狂的夜晚,講給朋友聽,朋友不信。

還有一層原因跟播客生態有關。喜劇聽眾裡有一批人特別愛看演員把播客裡隨口講的東西搬上舞臺,看著一個粗糙的素材慢慢長成完整的段子。這種過程感本身就是內容。

Lex 問他:你覺得普京知道你是誰嗎?

伯特說他希望如此,然後又馬上補了一句:我知道說這種話會有人覺得我是個自戀狂,可我不是那個意思,我只是說實話,我腦子裡冒出什麼就說什麼。

他甚至給這個想象中的場景配了臺詞:普京在電腦前,旁邊有人說了句什麼,普京回一句"機器",然後說"拿過來給我看看",看完說一句"這傢伙"。他覺得這個畫面不算離譜。

這期播客讓他反覆意識到一件事:世界很小。

他是《Drink Champs》節目的忠實聽眾,從來沒想過主持人 N.O.R.E. 會知道他是誰。結果對方主動邀請他上節目,還說自己是他的粉絲。他坐在那兒想,我剛搬到紐約的時候就在聽你和卡彭(Capone)聊天,現在你告訴我你看我的東西。

他舉了另一個例子。Tempe 有個打壘球的女運動員,他和女兒一起看她的接球訓練影片,看得入迷。還有個叫 D. Glazer 的女孩,他和兩個女兒追她的舞蹈影片。他主動聯絡了對方,對方回:"你知道我是誰?"他說是啊,世界就是這麼運轉的。

丘吉爾的作息表,和每年一月二十四日

Lex 問他,如果能跟任何一位世界領導人喝酒,選誰。

普京喝得不多。澤連斯基喝得多一點,但也不算多。葉利欽會是個好選擇,那是個真能喝的人。

希特勒是個軟蛋,喝葡萄酒還要加一勺糖。

丘吉爾才是他的那個人。

伯特把丘吉爾的作息表背得滾瓜爛熟。一頓豐盛的早餐:雪茄、咖啡、單面煎蛋、吐司、培根、香腸、番茄、豆子、水果、橙汁,還有一杯加了蘇打水的蘇格蘭威士忌。吃完往床上一靠,三個小時,邊抽雪茄邊處理政務。然後泡澡,泡一個小時,喝香檳。午餐吃鵝,配更多香檳。然後是午睡。

他每年一月二十四日,也就是丘吉爾逝世紀念日那天,會按這個流程過一整天。床上吃早餐配蘇打威士忌,然後一路狂歡到深夜。

他給出的理由很簡單:這個人天天喝,從早喝到晚,活了九十多歲,還是人類歷史上最英雄的人物之一。"永不投降"這四個字,放在任何人身上都是頂級配置。

伯特講丘吉爾教女王的那段,來源很誠實。他說自己沒做研究,只是看了《王冠》。女王接受的是三年級水平的教育,父親一死,學校就把她拉了出來,告訴她"你已經學完了,接下來你要當女王",然後教她不要讓人直視眼睛,伸手的姿勢要怎樣,不要讓人碰你。丘吉爾在那個階段教她世界政治,她會問"我們在非洲幹了什麼",丘吉爾就得硬著頭皮回答。

如果必須選一個還在世的,伯特選金正恩。

他聽說金正恩喝烈酒,喝尊尼獲加藍牌(Johnnie Walker Blue)。他說這話的時候自己也承認,不知道訊息哪來的,但他喜歡這個說法。他還開玩笑說,金正恩的靜脈注射營養液肯定比自己早上用的那些更猛。

然後他立刻往回收。他說跟一個喝酒方式跟你不一樣的人一起喝,會很不舒服。他舉了個場景:你在脫衣舞俱樂部,旁邊某個名人或者運動員用很奇怪的方式跟一個女人說話,你站在旁邊想,那不是我,我很抱歉。跟金正恩喝酒,那些暴行是繞不過去的坎,不只是暴行,是他整個存在方式。

Lex 說自己也不喜歡跟有錢有權的人喝酒,那些人身上有種說不清的東西。他也不喜歡那種被安排的"喝酒局"。有人打電話說"今晚我帶你去,咱們喝",他立刻焦慮。他喜歡的方式是:坐下來,隨便喝一點,感覺好就行。

我從來不是為了見耶穌才去吃蘑菇的。我就是想看著擋風玻璃上的雨刷在動。(伯特·克萊舍)

所以如果金正恩真的派飛機把他接到平壤,他的方案是:在飛機上先喝到斷片,這樣落地之後才可能享受得起來。

威士忌加冰,和那些坐不到一起的人

不同的場景,不同的酒。

如果羅根(Joe Rogan)約他坐下來談點正經事,那就喝威士忌,加冰,冰塊要多。不會是特別貴的牌子,羅根不是講究人。傑克丹尼加冰,或者水牛足跡(Buffalo Trace),最多是他自己囤的某款。

伯特說羅根錢越多,人就越不"普通"了,有些地方你會突然發現,哦,我們現在可以這麼玩了。但底色還在。

他承認自己跟羅根單獨相處的時間其實很少,幾乎都是在播客裡。他曾經覺得播客有點表演性質,後來不這麼看了。播客是個機會,讓他能跟平時根本坐不到一張桌子上的人聊上一個小時。大衛·克羅斯(David Cross)不會跟他混一個圈子,凱文·史密斯(Kevin Smith)也不會,但對方有新東西要宣傳,就會來他家,坐下來聊。

跟湯姆·塞古拉(Tom Segura)他更喜歡關掉麥克風。

兩個人有太多歷史,互相知道對方太多秘密。有些事伯特永遠不會在播客上說,但可以跟湯姆說。他特別欣賞湯姆作為父親、作為男人、作為兒子的那種洞察力。

可一到麥克風前,兩個人就變成了互相逗笑的模式,那裡面有表演成分。伯特說,湯姆讓他笑得比任何人都厲害,所以做節目也很好玩。

金巴利、內格羅尼,和威尼斯的那座雕像

下午喝的酒,他推薦金巴利氣泡酒(Campari Spritz)。

他第一次接觸金巴利,是被顏色騙的。紅色的液體,看起來像加了色素的果味飲料,他想,金巴利加冰一定很美。有個老廣告就是這麼拍的。結果第一口下去,他的形容是:像在吸綠巨人的那話兒。土腥味,像樹根,還帶苦。

後來有人給他介紹了內格羅尼(Negroni),金巴利加金酒加一點蘇打水。再後來是金巴利氣泡酒:金巴利、普羅塞克(Prosecco)、蘇打水,裝在葡萄酒杯裡。苦味還在,普羅塞克的甜把它托起來,蘇打水再把整體壓平,看起來還是像果味飲料。

他描述喝這個酒的最佳場景:

你在義大利,在威尼斯走了一整天,一家人各自散開,最後約在一座雕像下面集合。老婆熱得難受,兩個女兒一個十六歲一個十八歲,問接下來幹什麼。你說,嘿,這是歐洲。有人想來杯金巴利氣泡酒嗎?女兒們說不知道那是什麼。你說試試看。酒精不多,不會讓她們失態,只會讓她們微微發飄,然後說,爸,這個不錯。她們喝完了自己那杯,你又點了一輪。

那種微醺剛剛好,因為它只有一點點氣泡酒和一點金巴利。喝兩杯,感覺慢慢淡下去,然後繼續在城裡走。

獨飲的層級

伯特把獨自喝酒分成好幾層。

第一層是在酒吧裡,周圍有人,但都是陌生人。

第二層是在交通工具上,火車、飛機,人處在被運輸的狀態。

第三層是空房子和酒店房間。

他詳細描述了第三層。週日晚上,你在收拾行李,第二天早上六點的飛機,電視裡在放《威龍殺陣》(Road House)。你下樓問前臺,酒吧還開著嗎?開著。能讓我帶點回房間嗎?可以。來六瓶喜力。老婆問起來就說她也想喝一瓶,雖然她根本不在房間

你喝完了六瓶,天也快亮了,然後對自己說,還沒完呢,兄弟。

他說自己該喝的獨飲場景都喝過了。直升機上喝過一次。他問飛行員能不能在機上喝,對方斬釘截鐵說不行。他把酒倒進隨身酒壺,擰開,喝了一口。飛行員說,老兄,我們在一架該死的直升機裡,你覺得我聞不到嗎。

他評出的最高階別,是背對著別人喝。老婆說,好,大家分頭逛。你說,好啊。週日上午十一點,比佛利中心電梯口那個吧檯剛開門,你溜過去說,來杯雙份傑克丹尼加冰。喝完一杯,走了,有點飄,沒人知道。老婆後來說,你是不是喝了。你說,我?我一個大男人在購物中心裡獨自喝酒,聖誕節,你覺得我有多慘。然後你承認,是啊。

情緒往下走的時候,不碰酒

Lex 把話題往深處推了一層:心情不好的時候,喝不喝。

伯特的答案有很清楚的邊界。

焦慮的時候喝。怕坐飛機,上飛機前喝。為某件事煩躁,喝。這些他都認。

抑鬱和心碎的時候,他不喝。他試著坐在那種感覺裡,讓它過去。

這條規矩是從一次失敗裡學來的。他從俄羅斯回來,發現自己喜歡的女孩跟他最好的朋友上了床。他不知道怎麼處理那些情緒。朋友邁克·奧斯本(Mike Osborne)跟他說了一句:我跟你保證,喝下去,它們就消失了。他照做了。那是第一次,也基本是最後一次。

他說自己後來又幹過幾次,但一直儘量避開。因為情緒一旦通向酒精,事情就會往壞的方向滑。

他講萊恩(Leanne)跟他分手那次。兩個人交往了四個月,她提出分手。他的本能是去喝一杯。朋友們約在一家中東餐廳,他把情況說了,朋友科裡(Corey)說,走,喝一杯雞尾酒。他說不,我得想清楚。因為他想要這個女孩,如果開始喝,他就會想,算了,無所謂了。

他把這套邏輯延伸到一個更重的假設上:他總有一天要面對父母去世,父親會是更難的那一個。他反覆想過,那天自己會不會喝。

我跟我爸特別親。我爸那根"寡婦製造者"梗堵過兩次,兩次都救回來了,裝了支架。所以我跟他在一起的每件事,我都覺得是額外的。(伯特·克萊舍)

他父親十二三年前裝了支架,去年又裝了一次。所以每一次一起出現,他都當成額外賺到的。父親去了他電影的首映式,看完哭得厲害,握著他的手抖,說,我這輩子都低估你了,我不知道你到了這個程度。伯特說自己聽不太清,也可能父親根本不喜歡這部電影,他在聽自己想聽的話。

二十六歲生日那通電話

Lex 問他從父親身上學到了什麼。

伯特先說這段可能講不通。他說自己有時候像職業摔角手,只關心一件事:你來不來看我演出。為了讓你來,他什麼都願意做。

他真正的收穫是謙遜。

二十六歲生日那天,他宿醉剛醒,接起電話以為父親要說生日快樂。父親開口第一句是:你是個徹頭徹尾的廢物。然後是一大段:你沒有一點謙遜,你什麼都沒做成過,你在騙自己,你在騙身邊所有人,你沒在追你的夢想。是我把你養廢了,我作為父親失敗了。

伯特說,我以為你要祝我生日快樂。

那段話裡有一條具體的要求:想要什麼,就得全力去追,不惜代價。伯特當時反駁說,事情不是這麼運作的。父親說,不是這麼運作的,那是針對哈林區出來的窮孩子的,因為那個孩子需要。你生在有特權的生活裡,你不需要,你以為你會沒事。

伯特最後去喜劇俱樂部敲了門,得到一份守門的工作。

他說那次對話讓他第一次真正理解謙遜是什麼,而且是不舒服地理解。

這套東西他後來用了很多次。比如成為喜劇商店(Comedy Store)的付費常駐演員,這件事在他身上發生得很晚。大多數人到那個階段會放棄,說自己已經是巡演演員、上過電視了,不需要這個。可那是他想要的,他就老老實實去追。比如賣票,比如向粉絲推一個專案,他不覺得求人丟臉。他說自己唯一真正擅長的是單口,那他就用最謙遜的方式把人請到現場。

有同行拿他開玩笑,說自己不是那種穿著泳褲在臺上蹦的小丑,我是真正的喜劇演員。伯特的回應是:好,你當那種,我當這種。你想要觀眾,我也想要觀眾。

至於脫衣服這件事被做成表情包、被同行背後議論,他只回一句:你管得著嗎。他說自己是真的更喜歡不穿上衣。他有觸覺敏感的問題,穿襯衫能感覺到領口貼著脖子、袖口貼著胳膊,坐姿都得調整。最舒服的搭配是彈力牛仔褲加鬆垮的皮帶,還有這種不帶束縛的上衣。Lex 說自己正好相反,那件黑色襯衫就是他的"不穿上衣"。

信任這件事,他選擇先跳下去

海明威還有一句話:想知道一個人可不可信,最好的辦法就是信任他。

Lex 順著這句話問:你被背叛過嗎。

伯特說有過,職業上,被很親近的朋友背叛過幾次。他有個從不說出口的信條,他自己都討厭講出來,但確實是真的:你是不是覺得我很好欺負。

他的邏輯是,那些背叛過他的人,沒有一個比他壯。他在佛羅里達長大,被打過很多次,他不說自己能打,但他不怕被打。所以真正讓他難受的不是損失,是那個判斷:你是不是覺得我軟弱。

他把阿里(Ari)那件事也放進這個框架裡。外界把那件事看成背叛,他自己也有一段時間這麼看。但那是阿里,是他最好的朋友之一,他沒法不愛這個人,沒法把他從生活裡剔出去。兩個人把這件事談透了。他說阿里當時做了一個糟糕的決定,不知道那段時間他身上發生了什麼,但他必須原諒,因為阿里知道他那個信條。

代價是他現在更難信任別人了,不像以前那麼輕易。

然後他講了一件從沒公開說過的事。

有一回,他手上一個專案的訊息被洩露了。他的經紀團隊跟他說:跟你講,你那位兄弟湯米是內鬼。

這個結構他看得很清楚。他和湯姆共用一個經理團隊和經紀團隊,對那些人來說,兩個人合起來比單飛更值錢,所以他們一直在微妙地把兩人往對立面推。伯特的團隊去跟湯姆的團隊施壓,湯姆的團隊又來跟伯特這邊施壓,資訊在中間被攪。

萊恩問他:你覺得湯姆會幹這種事嗎。

他的回答是這樣的:

我不知道信仰是怎麼運作的。我不是個特別宗教的人。但我可以告訴你,我相信湯姆,我不認為是他乾的,我就這麼無知地站在這上面。我會跟他同生共死,因為我沒法活在一個不信任他的世界裡。如果我不能信任他,那我就徹底完了。(伯特·克萊舍)

後來查出來,確實不是湯姆。

他說那種感覺很奇怪,也很痛快:你可以閉著眼睛往下跳,然後發現下面是實的。這是他這場訪談裡給出的最具體的一次關於信任的操作定義。不是評估風險之後決定信任,是先跳,再驗證。

給讀者的行動清單

這場談話表面上在聊喝酒、聊段子、聊丘吉爾,底下其實是一套很樸素的自我管理方法。可以拿走的部分有這麼幾條。

  • 第一次做出來的東西,先錄下來。段子、方案、草稿,第一版的直覺往往最準,之後所有的修改都是在追趕它。改之前先留個底。
  • 想清楚你喝酒是為了什麼。焦慮的時候一杯能鬆下來,抑鬱和心碎的時候,酒精只會把情緒按住,不讓它過去。這兩種情況要用完全不同的處理方式。
  • 把"謙遜"當成一種進攻姿態,不是自我貶低。想要什麼就承認自己想要,然後去做最笨的那件事,比如去敲俱樂部的門要一份守門的工作。
  • 當有人告訴你"你最好的朋友在背後搞你",先問一句這個訊息對誰有利。中間人的利益結構,往往比訊息本身更值得看。
  • 信任是一次跳躍,不是一次評估。但跳之前想清楚:如果這個人真的背叛你,你還想不想活在一個沒有他的世界裡。答案是不想,那就別做那個評估。
  • 找一件每年固定做一次、純粹為了紀念某個人的荒唐事。伯特每年一月二十四日按丘吉爾的作息過一整天,這件事沒有任何實際用處,但它讓一年裡有一天是完全屬於自己的。
文稿由本站用語音識別模型(基於官方釋出音訊)機器轉寫,可能有識別錯誤,人名與數字請以音訊為準。
Lex Fridman Podcast #382 – Bert Kreischer: Comedy, Drinking, Rogan, Segura, Churchill & Kim Jong Un Machine transcription by Qwen3-ASR 0.6B (MLX, local, Apache-2.0). May contain recognition errors. The following is a conversation with Bert Kreischer, a stand-up comedian, podcaster, actor, and a man they call the Machine. I've been a fan of his comedy and podcast for many years, and I highly recommend you watch him on Birdcast, Two Bears One Cave with Tom Segura, his cooking show called Something's Burning, and finally the new movie that tells the story of the man, the legend, the Machine. And now a quick use second mention of each sponsor. Check them out in the description. It's the best way to support this podcast. We got Eight Sleep for naps, NetSuite for business management software, and ExpressVPN for privacy and security on the internet. Choose wisely, my friends. Also, if you want to work with our amazing team, we're always hiring. Go to lexstreaming dot com slash hiring. And now onto the full ad reads. As always, none of these ads in the middle. I try to make them interesting, but if you must skip them, friends, please still check out our sponsors. I enjoy their stuff. Maybe you will too. This episode is brought to you by Eight Sleep and it's Pod Three mattress. As Bert and I talk about in this episode, naps are the portal to happiness and joy in this life. He talks about naps on the tour bus. And I have to say I've taken quite a lot of naps on buses, Greyhound buses, public transportation. I've taken so many buses in my life. So much of my life I spent being completely broke, and public transportation was not just the only means of transportation I could afford, but really. I found joy in it, the simplicity of it, the waiting in the cold and in the heat, the camaraderie that you all in it together. There's a way of being with strangers on a subway or on a bus. That all the diversity of humans are all right there, you get to kind of people watch, like subtly, like this is what's possible in this world and it's beautiful. Anyway, as he talks about taking a nap on a cold tour bus and me taking a nap on a hot Greyhound going from Boston to New York something like that, it's heaven. But what's truly special is a nap on a cold mattress at home, which is what I do with Eight Sleep. Check them out and get special savings when you go to eightsleep dot com slash lex. This show is also brought to you by NetSuite and all in one cloud business management system. They manage everything, all the mess, all the complexities of running a business, the financials, the human resources, the inventory if you do that kind of thing, e commerce if you're an internet business and all the many messy business related details. Running a business is tough. I'm thinking about hoping to do it, but of course when I'm thinking about it, I'm thinking about all the ideas, stuff, the engineering, the design. The products, but that's not just what a business is. It's all the glue that makes the thing work, and for that you should be using the best tools for the job. And NetSuite is that you can start now with no payment or interest for six months. Go to netsuite dot com slash lex to access their one of a kind financing program. That's netsuite dot com slash lex. This show is also brought to you by ExpressVPN, the service, the software I've used to protect my privacy on the internet for many, many, many, many years back when it was a big sexy red button. I think it's a different color button now. Still big and sexy, but the colors change. But the essence of the thing remains the same. You should obviously be using a VPN. This is the best one. This is the one I've used. This is the one I love. Everything's super fast, works on every operating system. Yes, including Linux, all the different flavors of Linux. As I talked about with I think Jimmy Wales on a podcast about Wikipedia, we talked about that there is every single Linux distribution has. A Wikipedia page, maybe I'm misremembering that, but the point is, they're all beautiful in their own little way, and on all of them, ExpressVPN works. It's wonderful and it works fast, simple thing done right. Go to expressvpn dot com slash lex pod for an extra three months free. This is the lex Friedman podcast to support it. Please check out our sponsors in the description. And now, dear friends, here's Bert Kreischer. I read somewhere that you like Ernest Hemingway. Love him. There's a quote: "There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed." Do you agree with that? I agree. I agree. Well, I agree with that with journaling because I can't write. I can't write stand up like I can't write a bit, but if I journal, I find something that I go just write. Kind of writing where your the pen's moving faster than your brain and they're kind of like doing it together. The thing I liked about Ernest Hemingway, this is so stupid. I'm a little dyslexic, so I'm not a good reader, and so he wrote very simply. And it wasn't until after I read a bunch of Ernest Hemingway, I was working at Barnes and Noble, and this person said, "Don't you love his titles?" And I was like, "Yeah, sun also rises." And they're like, "Yeah, but." No, the sun also rises, and I was like, "Yeah, sun also rises," and they're like, "No, the no, the sun also rises," and I went, "Oh, oh, yeah, that is fucking badass. Yeah, and then I'm like always late to the party with anything." And then that night we were all doing coke, and it was like five in the morning and we ended up on the roof of my apartment in Greenwich Village. And the like I'm a sunset guy. I grew up in Florida, but sunrises in New York are electric blue, like electric blue. And I was like, the sun also rises. Yeah, he was so good with just a handful of words, the simplicity, the choice of words like basically his process is carving down. Right drunk edit sober. Right drunk edit sober. Yeah, but he was good at like at like a small amount of words to to get a point across. I'm the exact fucking opposite. Well, he's also said the first draft of anything is always shit. Is that is that true? For you, think so. The best one I have because downhill from there. So for you editing is destroying the original. The first time I tell it, the first time I tell it, it's perfect. It's perfect. It just it works, and then I go great and then I take it and I try to fix it and make it better and jazzy. I just joke and razzle dazzle about my daughters and I drive past a deaf child sign. And I just told it on stage. It just happened and Louis was in the audience. He goes, "I love that joke." I said, "Really?" He was, "Yeah," and I just told it. I went, "Done." Louis C K says he likes a joke. It's fucking it's in the special. And I tried to fucking razzle dazzle that joke into like a fifteen minute bit. It got to the point where it was so not it was so bad that I I told him I did a podcast with him. I said, "What did you like about that joke? Because I can't get it to work anymore." He goes, "It was just simple. It was simple that your daughter didn't know how they figure out where deaf kids lived." I went, "That's it?" He's like, "Yeah." I was like, "Nothing about gun control." He was like, "Huh?" I was like, "Oh, fuck man, I really fuck that joke up." And then I had I had to go back to the beginning of it, but that first time, that's when that's when the joke comes out purest for me, and then it's always chasing back to get that get that first telling. Some jokes are different, like the Machine, obviously was a much longer story and like and like escape room for this one. The longer stories take a little work, but the the simple ones. Like like the deaf child in pajamas and those first times are perfect. What do you think is? Is it about the machine story that works? That was so captivating for people. I think it's a, I think I don't know. I really wish I I don't know. I think it's a good story. I think it's a good story. I think everyone has something similar that happened in their life where they had a crazy night and that no one believed and they told their friends and their and and or they experienced that with a friend like that and and. And I think, I think that's got to be it. I really don't know. I think there's a part of I think there's a part of the like our community of of comedy fans that were that early deaf squad that was fun to watch. Someone take something from the podcast and turn it into a bit on stage. I think there was a lot of that, but I think people identify with a wild crazy night that got out of control that they've probably had too. I think I don't fucking know. Do you think Putin knows who you are because of that story? I hope so. I fucking hope so. I hope so, but there's there's a part of me that that you got to understand is like I'm not. I say stuff like that. I'm sure there's someone hears that and they go, "Who is this fucking narcissist?" You're like, "No, that's not it. I'm just telling the truth." Like I understand what I'm supposed to say. You know I don't know. I you know I I don't know that's hard to say, but I don't fucking give a shit about that guy. I'm not that guy. I'm telling you everything that comes out of my mouth the second it comes out. I'm going to be one hundred percent honest. I don't know any other way to live. I kind of hope so. That would be fucking cool. And I look I know he's a bad I guess he's a bad dude. I don't follow politics, don't but it would be cool if like one day someone's like he's he's on his computer and some guy goes strelita and he's like yeah yeah machine and he's like da konya da paydium and he's like and shows it to him and and then he's like fucking this guy huh. It's not out of the realm of possibility that Putin has watched it. I mean this this podcast has kind of made me realize how like small the world is. I've gotten to me some incredibly oh like especially the interesting people. Like that's I mean that's the thing where I go. Like it's gotten really crazy, the internet's really insane and Netflix is really insane and the reach of like people that like this is really simple. But like I'm a big fan of the show Drink Champ. So I didn't think in a million years Nori would ever know who I was. And then he offered me to come to his podcast, and then when I got there, he told me he was a fan of mine, and I went like I remember moving to New York, listening to you and Capone like I'm sitting there going wow. Like and and then and the phone calls I've gotten since the movie came out and since Razzle Dazzle came out have been really insane when you realize. As much as I know about people and I like there's people I'm fans of that don't know who I am that like that are like they're like some pitcher in fucking Florida that I follow the kids I like I I is fun to watch and pitch. There was a softball player in Tempe that she do catching drills and I was really into softball with my daughter and we watched her catching girls. There's a girl D Glazer who me and my daughters would watch her dance videos and then I hit her up she's like you know who I am and you're like oh yeah that's the way the world works. What world leader would you drink with if you could? You mentioned Putin. So Putin doesn't drink much. Yeah, Zelensky drinks more, but also not much. Boris Yeltsin would have been a good one. He would have been a fucking good one. I mean, like I I go Hitler was a pussy like he he drank wine with a with a with a spoonful of sugar in it. You never drank what Churchill. That's my whole and that's my guy. Yeah, you know that's my guy right. No, I don't know that's your guy. So he he did champagne. Well, you don't have to tell me a thing about Winston Churchill. He I found out about his daily routine. Yeah, so his daily routine was a big breakfast, cigar, coffee, eggs over egg sunny side up, toast, bacon, sausage, tomato, beans, fruit, orange juice, soft scotch, cigar in bed and he'd sit there for three hours and he'd hold morning breakfast and that's they'd come in and he'd run through his day and then he'd get in the bathtub for fucking an hour and drink champagne and then he'd go to lunch and have some goose or whatever the fuck they ate back then with more champagne and then. And then and then I mean and then he take a nap and like I love that so every year on the day of his death thing is January 24th I celebrate Winston Churchill's life by living the way he did and so I have breakfast in bed with a soft scotch and I just party all fucking day that would be the guy to drink with that would be the guy if you could pick anyone to drink with. He drank every day throughout the day. He lived like 94 and was one of the most heroic figures in human history. Never, never surrender. I mean, what a fucking badass thing. You know he taught he taught the queen. The queen was like like a like a window looking idiot, right? Like she was she had a third grade education. So like, her dad dies and she's like 10 or 12 or whatever. The first thing they do is they pull her out of school. They're like, you've done learning. You're just going to be the queen. You got to know this is what you need to learn. Don't make let people make eye contact with you. Put your hand out like this. Don't let people touch you. So she like she had like a really I saw that by the way I didn't do this research I just watched the crown okay and Winston Churchill kind of taught her about world politics and was they like coming and she'd be like Winston what did we do in Africa and he's like this is going to be a tough one. And so yeah so but Winston Churchill's the badass. But if I had to drink with someone living like drink there's like there's a two obvious one like obviously it's fucking Kim Jong Un right you kind of want to he drinks no he does. You think my IVs are good in the morning? You know Kim Jong Un's IVs are next. You're like I feel up and he's like it's on front. I mean, he would be a badass to drink with. I think he drinks hard liquor. I think Scott Johnny Walker Blue. I so I've heard, I don't know where you heard this, but I like this. Okay, so I say things like that, but then I'm sure I I I I don't know if you ever party with someone who just parties a little different than you and then you notice like like sometimes celebrity like athletes. And then like you're at a strip club and then they they talk weird to a woman. You're like, oh, that's not me. I'm so sorry. So that would be the thing. The atrocities would be hard to get past with him. Not just the atrocities, but the way of being. I agree with you. I actually don't like drinking with rich and powerful people often. There's something weird about them. Yeah, not not all of them. And I don't like I don't like a drinking meeting. Like when someone goes, like drinking meeting. Like when people go like, Hey, I'm taking you out tonight. We're drinking. Yeah, and then I go, Oh, that's not the way I like to do it. It gives me anxiety. Like our lives are very different. You and I, yeah, we're in a fraternity. We could start there yet. No, I was not. And the differences continue from there. I'm sure. So when you get your pledge pin, they take you out and their whole thing is you're gonna we're getting you fucked up. Yeah, that energy is not my energy. I don't like that. Like it's I just go why don't we just get drunk and feel really good about ourselves. Like I never like took mushrooms to see Jesus. I just wanted to enjoy Rayne X on a windshield. Like so like that that for me. Uh, is like one of my things. So if if Kim Jong Un flew me to North Korea to drink with him, I'd be like I'd have to start really getting blackout drunk on the plane to enjoy drinking with him that day. What's your favorite like different occasions? What's your favorite drink? What's your favorite way of drinking? It's it's I've got, it varies. So what are the different contexts here? It's like one on one, one on one. Like you sit down with I don't know Rogan invites you like it's a godfather to sit down and finally have a talk about something. It's going to be whiskey. It's going to be like a nice whiskey. Neat. No, I like it on the rocks and I like lots of rocks. It won't be something expensive because Rogan is not he's not a fancy boy, you know like he's a real regular he's a really regular dude. He's gotten less regular the more millions of dollars he has. There are parts of him where you're like, like where you're like, oh wow, we can do this. Yeah, um, but he's a he'd be like Jack on the rocks or like Buffalo Trace or one of the maybe a whiskey he's buying. Rogan be whiskey rocks. And then like that's a good. I haven't hung out with Joe by ourselves. I take that back. I was with him the other night, but like it would be cool. My times with Joe's are always on podcasts. Yeah, and his I miss the times where it was where you just have you and him at at the store late night. Yeah, I'm okay with podcasts. Like I used to think this is like performative or something like this, but it's not really. No, it's just a chance to really sit down. I enjoy it because of the people I could never sit down with. Ah, like David Cross, I wouldn't never sit down with David Cross because we don't run in the same circles and but it's nice he has something to promote and then he comes to my house and then we can sit down for an hour and talk and then or Kevin Smith like people I would never really hang out with. Tom, um, I enjoy being alone with Tom more. Off mic, Tom Segura. Yeah, we have a lot of history. There's a lot of things secrets we know about each other and there's a lot of secrets going on in each other's lives that I would never share on podcast that I that I can talk to him about and I really appreciate his and I know this isn't on brand of us beating each other up but like I really appreciate his insight as a as a dad and as a dude and as a son. But but he makes me giggle harder than anyone, so doing a podcast is fun. So there's something on a podcast that's performative for you with him and then there's a part me and him because we're trying to make each other laugh. But I'll tell you if we're going back to drinks. I'll tell you like a great a great afternoon drink is a compari spritz. It's my one of my favorite drinks in the world. I don't even know what that is. Oh, compari spritz. Compari is an interesting alcohol because I think it's a bitter or it's a liqueur and it's got a weird rooty earthy taste. It's red, it looks like Kool Aid. That's why I got into it. I thought compari on ice would be oh so nice. There's an old commercial, but man, it's fucking like sucking the Green Giant's dick. It is earthy. What's earthy? It's like it's it tastes like roots. It's just it's not it's not it's there's a bitterness and like it's just not great. And then someone introduced me to a Negroni, which is compari and gin and a little soda water, and then compari spritz. Compari spritz is compari, prosecco and soda water in like a wine glass and it is. So enjoyable, it's got so many different profiles to it where you get the bitterness, but the sweetness of the prosecco and then it flattens it out with the soda water and it looks like Kool Aid, so I love it. That's one of my favorite drinks to share in what context. Oh, you're in Italy and you've been walking around Venice and everyone went their own ways and the whole family comes back together and you meet at a statue and. And your wife sweating and she's uncomfortable and your daughters are sixteen and eighteen and they're like, "Are what are we going to what are we doing with the rest of the day?" And you go, "Hey guys, it's Europe." Does anyone want a compari spritz? And everyone goes, "I don't know what that is." And you go, "For compari spritz, now it's it's mine or an alcohol, so it's not going to light them up, but it gives them a little bit of a buzz where they're like, 'Dad, these are nice.' I didn't drink hers, so I drank hers. I Georgia had hers, Leanne had hers, and we ordered another round. I ordered and they're." Fucking refreshing, and the buzz is perfect. It's not too much because it's just a little bit of champagne and some compari. If the buzz is perfect, and then a couple of them, and then they kind of disappear, and then you just walking around again. That's a great fucking drink. You have a drink alone. So there's a two kinds of alone. One is alone like at a bar. There's other people, but they're strangers, right? They're kind of like out there. Keep going. Keep going. Tom walked me through all the alone, and then I'll tell you the rest. There's all kinds. There's a alone on a train. We're transporting. I've drinking alone on a train, yeah, train, plane, and then there's just alone in the in an empty home or a hotel room. Hotel. And it's Sunday night. Sunday night, and you're packing your bag, and you got a flight at six a.m. Yeah, but roadhouse is on, and you're like, "Shit." So you go down to the front desk and go, "Is the bar still open?" And they go, "Yeah, can I order some to take to my room?" Sure, how about six Heineken, six Heineken. Yeah, my wife wanted one too. She's not up there. You murdered, and you just say to yourself, "I'm just getting six, so that if I have four, I just know I have two extra ones, and then you go through six and you're like, 'Oh man, I'm not done yet, dude. I've drank in every alone scenario you can possibly think of. I've drank." Ah, I've drank alone in a helicopter with a dude who didn't know I was drinking. He was I was like, "Can I drink in here?" And he was like, "Absolutely not." And then I poured it into a flask and opened it and drank it. And he's like, "Dude, we're in a fucking helicopter. You don't think I smell that?" The best alone drinking you can ever do, in my opinion. Now we're getting into the weeds on it. Is alone behind someone's back? What do you mean? Like when they don't know you're drinking, but you're drinking. Like, like Christmas shopping. Ah, and and your wife says, "All right, let's all split up," and you go, "Cool." And it's like it's like eleven o'clock on a Sunday, and they just open that bar by the elevator in the Beverly Center, and you just sneak over and you go, "Hey man, can I get a double jack on the Rossocks rots?" And they're like, "Sure," and you just have it and you just go, "Let's just," and then you're off and then you're like, "Yeah," and then you just little sneak one, sneak it, sneak it, and then you're then buzzed and nobody knows. And then your wife's like, "Mate, you've been drinking." You're like, "Do I? Yeah, I'm drinking by myself in a fucking mall. Yeah, on Christmas. How sad do you think I am?" And then you go, "Yeah, I am." Ah, what about mood? Do you have a drink in a dark place? So I broke. I had a chick break up or a chick cheat on me. When I was when I came back from Russia and she saw my best friend, and I didn't know how to deal with the emotions I had, and my buddy Mike Osborne said, "I can tell you this: if you drink, they go away." And I went okay, and that was the first and kind of last time I ever did that. Because I did it, I've done it, I've done it a couple times, but I try to avoid, I try to avoid if there's emotion going to alcohol, like meaning I not when it's anxiety, but like depression. I kind of sit in the depression because or anxiety. I lean towards alcohol, like anxiety, like about flying or or. Or just like getting worked up on over something, but with depression, I try to avoid alcohol and just sit in it. Um, because I because I've gone there before, but anxiety is I land I land all the time. But depression, heartbreak, all that you just sit in the feeling. Yeah, heartbreak's a weird one for me. So like the last time I got my heart broken, Leanne dumped me. We were dating for like four months and she broke up with me, and my instinct was to have a drink. My friends went to this this Middle Eastern restaurant and I told them what was going on. My buddy Corey's like, "Let's get a cocktail," and I was like, "I don't want one. I got to figure this out because I want this chick and if I start drinking, I'll be like, 'Ah, fuck it.'" So I got to figure it out. Like I wonder, I'm gonna find out my dad dies one day or my mom, but my dad will be the rough one. My mom will be equally as rough. My dad and I are really close, and I wonder if I thought about this a lot. If I'll have a drink, dealing with that. Like I think about that a lot. I keep saying everything I get with my dad is extra. My dad, my dad had a a hundred percent blockage in his Widowmaker twice, and both times they saved his life and they got a stint, I think twelve or thirteen years ago, and then he just got a stint this last year. But so everything I get to do, I feel like it's extra, and so you know he was just at the premiere of my movie and he got to see that and he had a very emotional response. And I got I got that from him, and I was like, "Dad, that's a little icing on the cake." I did, you know, the arena in Tampa was the first time you ever saw me do stand up. That was like a little extra. So all these things I'm getting with him are all extra. So I have you know, I need seventy four so. Yeah, that'll be a tough one. At the premiere, he was what proud. Yeah, he came out. He was sobbing, crying, and he goes, "I've underestimated you your whole life." And I was like, "What?" And he was like, "And he just and he was shaking." He goes, "I just underestimated you. I didn't know I didn't know that you I didn't know you were this I didn't whatever it was really hard to understand him to be honest with you. I don't know totally what he said. He might just not like the movie." I think you were hearing what you wanted to hear. What did you learn about life from your father? Ah, it's not going to make sense. I want to feel like sometimes I'm like a professional fucking wrestler, because all I care about is you come and see me do stand up. So whatever I got to do to get you there, but the number one thing, my one takeaway from that man's humility and. I applied. I've applied it in different ways throughout my career. On my twenty-six birthday, he gave me a really aggressive speech. He, I was hungover and I just thought he was going to say, "Happy birthday." So I picked up the phone, and I was like, "Hey," and he was like, "You are a tremendous piece of shit." And he broke me off. You have no humility. You have no this. You've never succeeded anything. You you you're lying to yourself. You're lying to everyone around you. You're not doing what you're going after your dream. I broke you. I failed you as a father. This and that. I was like, I thought you're going to wish me happy birthday. And so in that speech, he told me if I wanted something, I had to go at it and I had to go after it as as hard as I could. And I had to do whatever it could I could do to achieve that. In this case, it was working, offering to do anything at the comedy club to get on stage. He told I told him, "Man, that's not how it works." And he said, "No, that that's how it works for some poor kid from Harlem because that kid needs it." He goes, "You've grown up with privilege or life. You don't need it. You think you're going to be fine." And so I went and I ended up getting a job at the door. But I, it was it was it's humbling. It's it's really like it it makes me feel it made me feel uncomfortable. And so that humility, ah, is it's the first time I really understood humility and I've applied that in many respects in like. In like getting to be a paid regular at the comedy store that happened late in life for me, which I think most people would give up and be like, "Fuck that, I'm already a touring comic. I'm on TV. I don't need that." But it's something I wanted and I knew I wanted, so I I just humbly went after it. And then I think I I still apply it when when it comes to selling tickets or or selling a project to to fans. Or even to doing podcasts, I try to be as honest as I can about whatever I'm going through or whatever I'm dealing with. But when it comes to like selling things, I don't I don't have a problem. Trying to make fun of myself or or get it in front of people so that they know that that I have a show because the thing I'm good at the. The one thing I know I'm good at stand up, and and I I say that humbly, but like I want them to come there. So like I've heard people make fun of me like before, they're like, "Yeah, I'm not some I'm not some clown in a speedo who's one is going to I'm a real comic and I go okay." But I want I want them at my shows and you can be that guy and I'll be this guy, yeah, the clown in the speedo. Yeah, it's like what are you gonna do? Funny people make fun of me for taking my shirt off. Like I guess behind my back, no one ever does it to me. Like no one would ever. Comics aren't comics aren't comics aren't that manly. Yeah, yeah, but I always go like I always go like, what do you care? What am I? What do you care? And you love taking shirt off more than anything. You know when something becomes meme and becomes super popular, it it becomes easy to not love the thing anymore to get tired of it. You still love it. Well, more than anything, I like being shirtless more than having a shirt. I'm very uncomfortable in a shirt. Yeah, like right now and I've tactile issues. Like I have legit tactile issues. I'm most comfortable in stretchy jeans with a loose fitting belt, and then these shirts exactly. But I don't I like more like a V neck. I can feel this on my neck right now and I can feel it on my arms. And so I'll sit a certain way because it it just rubs me wrong. But I'm more comfortable shirtless. I can never wear what you're wearing. Yeah, well, this is my shirtless. Each of us have to find our place in this world in terms of fashion. I would love to be able to wear what you wear. Yeah, because it looks good, it feels like an escape from convention. You or me, both of us. Yeah, because this nobody wears this unless you work security for somebody. Yeah, but it looks good on you, doesn't it? I don't know. You know, I think people think, I don't like they would say like what what if you lose weight, you can't take your shirt off anymore. Go no, I can fucking take my shirt off. You fucking out of your mind. I take my shirt off all the time. You mentioned early on heartbreak after the Russia trip with a girl who slept with your friend. Let's go back to Hemingway quotes. The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them. So to go all in with the trust. I love Hemingway so much. Have you been betrayed in your life? Yeah, what do you think about trust? It's an interesting question. I've been betrayed in my professional life a couple times by really close friends, and I'm not someone who can like I have a mantra that I mean I'm. I don't know if people have heard it or not, and I hate I hate sharing it, but it's but it's true. The mantra is, so you think I'm weak. Like you think it's like that's my thing. So I feel like people take advantage of me, and I go, so you think I'm weak. You forget everyone that like and I'm name the the people that have betrayed me. I'm a larger man than all of them, and and but I and so that's what really fucks with me is I go, so you think I'm weak. Like where I grew up, when you do stuff, there was physical consequences. I grew up in Florida like I've I've been beaten up a bunch. I'm not saying I can fight, but like I'm not scared of getting beaten up. And the the times that I've been betrayed, and and and even I know even like by Ari, whichever people see that drugging as a betrayal, and I did for a period, but it was it was only because it was Ari and he was one of my best friends, and me and him had to work through that because I I couldn't not love him. Like I couldn't not have him in my life. He he means a lot to me. He really does. He's a great friend to have. But he's also I don't know what was going on with him at that time, but he made a bad decision and I had to forgive him for that because I knew he he knew my mantra. I think I'm harder to trust people now. I'm I'm not as apt to trust people at all. But there was a moment I don't know if I've ever shared this and I don't know how this will sound, but there was a moment that information got leaked about a thing and all my managers and agents. Both both Tom and my Tom and our managers and agents would like to separate either separate us or one of us one of them get both of us. It's just more lucrative for them, so they have always kind of pitted us against each other a little bit and they do it subtly. Um, they'll do it to me and my team and then his team will do it to me and then my team will do it to him and his team will do it to him. And there was a moment where information got leaked about this thing I was doing, and my team was like, "Just so you know, your your boy Tommy is is the rat." And I had to. It was the one time, and Leanne said, "Do you think Tom would do that?" I said, "I don't know how faith works. Like I'm not a super religious person, but I will tell you that I believe in Tom and I don't think he did it, and I will stand by that ignorantly." And and I will and I will ride or die with him because I cannot live in a world where I don't trust him. If I don't trust him, then I am so fucked. And and it wasn't him, it wasn't him, and it was it's a cool feeling to know that you could like that you could blindly

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